Surviving high school

I was a dork in high school. Or at least so I thought.

I was tall and gangly...so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was awkward and clumsy (still am) and was going through a lot of crap in my family life. I was depressed and had very low self esteem. On top of it, we were very poor. (We were homeless for a few months my Sophomore year. That poor.)

But at the time, those reasons weren't what made me feel like a dork.

I remember writing - pages upon pages - filling the ends of notebooks that were left over from previous school years. Sometimes I wrote about how I felt. Sometimes it was something that pissed me off. Sometimes I just wrote out song lyrics.

But writing made me feel better. I remember once writing a list of all the things that defined who I was - jock, AP student, tech ed student, lonely. I felt so conflicted that each item was so different. I didn't identify with any one thing. I identified with many. That's why I felt outcast?

I look back now and wonder, "Why wasn't I the cool kid in school?" I could relate with just about anyone, right? I mean, wouldn't identifying with so many different groups give me an "in" to talk to and be friendly with anybody?

Me, soccer uniform, circa 1993.

I look back at these pictures now, and despite the bad hair, I really don't look that dorky after all. I mean - blond, tall, skinny. Why didn't I like myself?

Sophomore year soccer, 1994

Is that all that was missing? Liking myself? Once I left home for good at eighteen, I gained confidence in that I could make it on my own. I could make my own decisions and they were good ones. (And that's silly to say, given how much responsibility was put on me from such a young age.)

Me, swim team pic - either '92 or '93

I mean look at those thighs. I would kill Keebler Elves to have those thighs back.

Was it falling in love that made me love myself? If my hubby, who I knew from the time these photos were taken, saw me through all those rough times and still loved me, well, couldn't I then love myself?

I don't know exactly what it was that gave me the self-confidence I have today. Or why I first saw these photos in a box and went, "Eew." They're not bad, really.

But if all these things made me a dork, maybe the answer to the question of how I survived high school and came out swinging is simply that I learned to be comfortable with my dorkiness.

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